


Lead Me Back

by CiceroProFacto



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: I hadn’t seen any stories really tackle what Keith is doing out in space, M/M, Post-Canon, Rating will go up, so this is that
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-23
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-03-09 22:44:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18926485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CiceroProFacto/pseuds/CiceroProFacto
Summary: "The universe isn't at war now, so it doesn’t need Voltron,” Lance shrugged, folding his arms over his chest. It was probably supposed to look casual, laid-back, but Keith knew his body language well enough to recognize self-soothing. “It does need paladins though...guess you’ll just have to keep putting up with it.”





	1. Chapter 1

“You didn’t tell the others you were doing this, did you?” Lance said.

Keith pushed a hand through his hair. He was aware it was a fidget, and Lance would take it as an answer in itself, a small knowing frown on his lips.

“And, just to be clear, you didn’t call me to convince you not to do this...”

It wasn’t a question and, shaking his head, Keith kind of hated that Lance could read him despite the distance and time they’d spent apart. It felt necessary to say, knowingly, “You wouldn’t.” Because Lance had called him ‘the future’ once and Keith wouldn’t be doing this if part of him hadn’t believed him...

The hologram fizzled. Lance’s image flickering. The cruiser was passing through a nebula- not the best place to find an intergalactic signal, but Keith had put off making this call until he’d absolutely needed it, so there wasn’t much choice. Even through the interference, he could tell Lance was teasing to say, “I dunno, Keith...it’s pretty dangerous,” as if they hadn’t been through worse together- “Imperial Newsbite is saying it could be the most _brutal_ contest in a _hundred millennia…”_

“I can’t believe you watch that garbage.”

Lance shrugged, “Only way to keep up with you these days,” and that may have come across as a complaint if it weren’t so obvious Lance was pinching back a proud grin. “Congrats on the Olkari settlement by the way. A few months ago, I’d say it was iffy, but with the tech coming off Daibazaal from them- I think that’s got you a good deal of Coalition support already.”

Keith wanted to enjoy the praise but it was an instant reminder of how long it’d been since he’d spoken to Lance- everything he’d done since leaving earth after the restoration, of the fact that he shouldn’t be calling on Lance now if he knew what was good for him: distance and time...

“The Garrison really needs to get better news outlets from the Galra,” he said lamely.

Lance laughed, “Yeah, it’s not the most accurate. You should see what their gossip bits have to say about you,” and he waited for Keith to wince, then softened. His teasing grin fell, “But, they’re not wrong, Keith. With the empire coming back together, there’s a lot of warlords and pirate kings that might make a claim…Lotor’s rule fractured a lot of factions and the Galra’s leadership is war-hardened, they’ve known the empire much longer than you and they’ll think they deserve a chance. The strongest fighters in the universe will all be-”

“You think I don’t know that?!”

“No, I think you do,” Lance assured him, “But, that’s why you’re doing this isn’t it?” _why you’re calling._

Keith didn’t realize his voice had broken until he heard Lance speak so calm, and he backtracked, “My mother asked me to…compete,” he said. “The Blade’s mission has always been bringing down the empire, but not at the cost of the Galra race.” General Lahn called the Blade traitors, and Keith hadn’t been interested in the organization’s history when he’d joined as much as he’d been looking for his own. But, after speaking to the former warlord, working to change his outlook of what the Galra could be, he’d looked into it. He had to. Ten-thousand years ago, the warriors of the Blade were an elite force of fighters. When Zarkon was corrupted, they turned against his regime, vowed to destroy his empire all the tyranny that followed. “Any champion the Blade put forward in the past wouldn’t’ve been recognized by the Galra people even if they won. But, now, we have an opportunity to change them... ”

Lance nodded. “ _You_ have an opportunity to change them,” he said, firm, and Keith’s mouth snapped shut.

A heavy beat of silence passed.

Keith was unable to ask Lance to continue, even if he- “I know this is a lot of pressure, but you have nothing to be nervous about,” yep- Lance knew why he was calling, and Keith felt his throat go tight, somewhere between gratitude and embarrassment. “Keith, no one is gonna challenge you- and even if they did, you’d kick their ass. You killed Sendak, remember? And you took down Lotor.”

“I had the team with me then-”

“We’re _still_ with you,” Lance didn’t let him finish, a certain ferocity in his voice that had Keith’s breath stopped. “The _Atlas_ came to help you negotiate the Olkari settlement, didn’t they?”

He probably knew that from the news too. And, Keith had to nod because it was true. Shiro’s crew had played a pivotal role in supporting the proposal. Pidge and Hunk provided code and schematics of how the Olkari would improve Daibazaal’s ten-thousand year old infrastructure. If they hadn’t come, and brought Coalition negotiators, the Olkari would’ve been isolated in what were basically internment camps on the worst patches of land the planet had. They never would’ve had the resources to restore the planet to prominence with modernized technology.

“And, _I’m_ with you now,” Lance said, “In this.”

Keith couldn’t find words. Did Lance know where he was when he’d called? Did he know the Archivist had already made the summons- and Keith was on a cruiser en route to Feyiv, on the verge of a panic attack? Did he know how much Keith needed to hear this…

“You’re stronger than you think,” Lance said, but how could he be so sure of that? How could Lance have this much faith in him- in his ability to lead the people they’d been at war with for so long- “And Keith?”

He looked up, met Lance’s eyes through the projection, a million miles away and connected by a couple beams of light, warm with the smile they carried across the stars.

“You’re gonna be great.”

 ...

Some part of Keith believed him.

And, when the Black Lion flew to the ancient arches of the Kral Zera, all the ships which clogged the air moved aside as Keith watched in awe and trepidation. Black touched down and knelt by the torches which held the eternal flame. Keith stepped out. Kolvian was there, and Krolia. Zethrid and Azor and Axca. They went to a knee, bowed their heads. And the crowd followed, row after row of hardened fighters, wartorn leaders scraping by in a vicious empire, rabid with want, accustomed to nothing but bloodshed and strife. They knelt. Just like Lance had said.

Keith’s feet carried him forward. His hand took the torch, heavier than it looked, but not as heavy as he expected it would be. The flames licked at his arm, the lifting warmth of a symphony rising, a chorus of voices calling out for the future.

The flame reached out for the alter- a star breaking the horizon, casting light over the crowd looking on. He turned to them, looked out over their faces, all expectant and anticipating, knowing he was taking an oath by even touching this flame. He tossed it back into the hearth.

“For generations, the eternal flame has symbolized the passage of power in the empire from the hands of one emperor to the next,” he said, raising his voice out over their striken faces.

The purple flame crackled and Keith looked up, met Axca’s eyes, and she nodded, climbed to her feet on cue. A soft popping noise and Kosmo stood over Keith’s heel. And, one by one the Galra in the crowd followed to their feet.

“No one will relight this flame today,” Keith said, and he turned from the hearth to walk up the steps of the altar, hearing Kolvian and Krolia’s footsteps behind him, the Blade’s leadership standing to their rightful place as honored warriors. He looked back out over the empire’s leadership- what remained of a once-proud people. They would be proud again- have a good reason for it. Keith would make sure of that.

“With the return of Planet Daibazaal, the Galra Empire is at a crossroads…” he said.

A beginning.


	2. Chapter 2

When Kolvian had assigned Keith as an operative to the Blade despite his smaller stature and physical inferiority to the Galra, Keith had thought the training he’d endured was the most difficult thing he’d ever do. Time after time, he had woken in healing pods after Kolvian scooped his broken body off the training deck and carried him to the medical bay. He’d earned a reputation as the stubborn earthling with fragile bones.

Then, when Voltron had joined the _Atlas_ and the Coalition forces on joint-missions and he’d been required to be deeply involved in their planning briefs for joint operations, Keith was convinced nothing could be more difficult than picking apart an operation from so many angles at once while under the telescopic scrutiny of his former Garrison superiors. Time after time, he was sure, if he hadn’t been leading the most capable war machine in the universe, Holt and Iverson would’ve wanted to bench him for how badly he delivered his plans when asked to describe them out loud.

He was sure of it now- politics were harder than all of that. All the physical exhaustion of training and all the humiliation of public speaking.

It made him miss Allura in a way he hadn’t really felt yet. For all he’d sympathized with his teammates’ grief, and all the time he’d spent, trying to be there for them, particularly for Lance who took it the hardest, he hadn’t been able to miss her in any palatable way. He’d missed her for the asset she had been to the universe. He missed her in the way he missed the teachers at the Garrison who nagged him to take on responsibility.

She was his friend, sure, but it was tainted with frustration, anger, and really- Keith missed her with bitterness. For leaving, for committing to being loved, making herself so vital, then destroying Lance completely. For taking Keith’s place at the end of it all. Because no one else was supposed to die for his war- the war Keith had literally been born to fight. He wouldn’t exist without it and he shouldn’t exist after it. He wasn’t like Allura. Some half-human creature-thing, he couldn’t bring life to anything. So, he’d missed her with regret. With guilt and not much else.

But his position in the empire now- the difference he could make in the future, it gave him some reason to exist. So now, he missed her with longing. For her brutal honesty and controlling lectures. For guidance. That had been the basis of their relationship after all…

So, when a message came from Coran while he was going over a canvas of councilmembers’ leaning for the latest civil protection bill, Keith stopped Axca immediately, “I’ve gotta take this…”

...

It was surreal to think it had only been a year...

But, “Keith! It’s been so long!” he was immediately swept up into a crushing hug in Hunk’s arms as he stepped down from Black’s cockpit onto the lawn of the new Castle Coran had build.

And- scratch that. There was nothing -only- about it. A year was too long. Laughing, he reached up carefully to pat the big guy’s sides, melting into Hunk’s buttery yellow aura. Galra weren’t very keen on affection like this, so he’d take it where he could get it. “Hey...how’re things on the _Atlas_?”

Hunk squeezed a little tighter before letting Keith go and glanced back towards the castle where Shiro was walking down the lawn towards their reunion, “It’s good,” he said, “Shiro’s given me reign over the kitchen after I started a new program I like to call ‘cookbook diplomacy’.”

Keith could hear how proud he was and couldn’t help but smile. “That sounds right down your alley.”

“Oh, it is! If only we had the space to cook for _real_ parties...I keep telling Shiro we need more room to work with fresh ingredients.”

“Well, he is getting old, y’know,” Keith said, locking eyes with Shiro as he approached and started catching onto what they were talking about, expression already souring, “Maybe you’ve just gotta say it louder so he can hear you.”

“Are you over here being a punk?”

Keith grinned. “I sure am talking to Hunk.”

“I _know_ you heard me just fine.”

Keith stepped in to hug Shiro too, “It’s good to see you, old-timer.”

Shiro patted his back a little gruff, and was about to say something when a wormhole opened up overhead, spitting out the Green Lion, and they broke apart to watch. Hunk let out an excited yelp, turning to chase Pidge down.

Keith laughed. “Has it really been that long?”

“A couple months apart is long enough…” Shiro said. “We all have plenty to catch up on.”

That reminded him. Keith shifted on his feet, pushed his shoulders back a little, “Shiro, I should tell you- the Kral Zera. I didn’t want you to worry, but I-”

“You won. I know.” Shiro turned back to look at him, brows knit in concern at his surprise, “Krolia told me she had asked you to compete after I helped with the Olkari settlement. I was hoping you’d do it.”

Keith recalled their parting conversation, what Shiro had said to him as the _Atlas_ readied to leave Daibazaal: _The Galra are lucky to have you._

Had he only said that so Keith would step up to lead them? Because the pilot of the Black Lion was the most likely person the Galra would kneel to? Because Keith would only believe in himself if Shiro believed in him. And- was that supposed to be his peptalk for it?

It wasn’t enough anymore...

“She explained why it should be you, and I agreed,” Shiro said. “Besides, you’ve kinda been all over the news with interviews and press conferences…”

Right. Keith kept forgetting about that.

”You’re handling it well though,” Shiro said, smiling. “She was right it needed to be you.”

And Keith knew the reasons his mother had probably given to Shiro- the same ones she’d laid out to him the first time she’d brought up the Blade’s plan. Sitting in Lance’s family’s dining room while everyone worked outside, she’d explained the plan to put him forward as a Blade, a halfblood, and the Black Paladin. The perfect convergence of political identities to start the empire in a new direction.

He’d turned it down immediately- taken months to convince.

But, Keith understood the logic, expecting no one would challenge the half-Galra who’d helped save all of reality. He also understood the importance of putting forward a halfbreed when there was a rising pitch of racial tension in the settlement of highly-contested and limited land on the restored Daibazaal. He just...

”I’m worried it was too easy,” he said. “Winning at least.”

Shiro laughed at that, saying. “You’ve gotta take the win sometimes, Keith. Loosen up.”

And Keith lost focus on the conversation. His gaze drifted off into the distance, over the rolling fields of juniberries Coran must have had planted. Shiro kept talking, gushing about some of the recent initiatives Keith had been supporting, about the success and the pitfalls of their first elections and what a good idea it was to start a council of leaders from different sectors of the empire as they had. Keith wasn’t listening. “Lance is here...”

He hadn’t realized he’d spoken aloud until Shiro replied, “Yeah...he’s been here the last two months or so, helping Coran.”

Two months...about since…

“Keith?”

He was drifting. Turned back to Shiro and locked eyes, regretted it instantly when he saw the concern there.

“You still…” Shiro stopped himself, but the damage was done. Keith’s heart was in his throat and his jaw locked. Of course Shiro knew about his feelings- sharing consciousness while trapped inside a sentient robot Lion gave away all kinds of secrets Keith never would’ve told him otherwise, but Shiro didn’t have to say it- never had in the past. Keith turned back to the distance and pretended to be very interested in watching the class of Altean children walk down the hillside away from Allura’s statue. “Keith...Lance has been…”

Broken. Healing. As good as anyone could expect him to be...after everything. “I know,” Keith said. “I just didn’t expect him to actually come.” After staying with Lance’s family for a few weeks after the _Atlas_ had returned to earth to drop off the Garrison’s crew, Keith knew how Lance was after the war- after losing Allura.

Shiro put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed.

“I called him before the Kral Zera,” Keith blurted, an admission he never knew he needed to make, but, “I knew he was still working through his own shit, I just needed someone to know-”

Shiro stopped him there, “He’s your right hand. He was by your side for so many tough decisions. You wanted someone you could rely on, so you called him…” and he looked up the hill to where Lance and Coran were now talking, “and maybe it did him some good, knowing he could still have your back.”

Keith followed his eyes and considered it. The last time he'd seen Lance in person- the light in that smile had been dimmed and ashen grey, surrounded by all the green things on earth and his face was so blue. Now...maybe Lance hadn’t moved on, but he was moving forward.

It was Shiro’s robotic hand that was on his shoulder. A memory of who he’d been once. The right hand. The one that had been Galra- the one that Keith cut off, the sleek rush of adrenaline, the tremble of straining effort, the pounding of his heartrate, a purple skyline and a thousand metal pods of lies. None of them the man Keith loved and needed. None of them Shiro. But, Shiro hadn’t needed that arm anymore, controlling him, and maybe Keith hadn’t needed a mentor, just someone to believe in him. Someone to love him.

Maybe it was time to find his own path. Then and now.

...

Dinner was about as easy as it could’ve been when the conversation always circled back to Allura. Even with her likeness watching over them, it felt like there was a gap at the table, a reminder of the decision she made- her commitment to the universe. The sacrifice she stole. Keith just felt tired.

The paladins had made individual reunions as they arrived, so a couple of the stories were repetitions of things Keith had heard earlier, Hunk’s work in diplomacy, Shiro’s second tour as the Captain of the _Atlas_ , Pidge’s work in artificial intelligence, but it all still made Keith feel restless. He had a docket of about twenty motions that were up for debate on the Council, all things that would allow the Galra to ease their transition into the Coalition, and he was supposed to release statements on those matters within the next few days. Of course, he already knew what he’d say but...

He was the future. He should be driving forward, not sitting here and reminiscing, standing still.

“You cut your hair again…”

Keith turned. Lance was at his left, looking down at his food determinedly, cutting some yelnor meat, mouth set neutral. It was the first time either of them had addressed the other, talking outward like they were afraid to let their focus narrow in together. But, there were glances, Keith admiring the cut of Lance’s clothes and how casually nice he looked- a little thinner, but more like himself, Lance apparently taking note of Keith’s hair as usual. It was familiar. Easy.

“It was getting long in all the interviews.”

So, Lance was still keeping up with him in the media, “Do you at least get better news here on Altea?” Keith said- because apparently Lance had been here for two months.

Lance shrugged, “Probably could,” he said, meaning he was still watching Imperial Newsbite, “I just prefer the gossipy stuff.” He took a bite and chewed thoughtfully, then gave Keith a smirk, “You and Gnov, huh?”

 _Oh,_   _that story._ Keith glared. Lance was teasing, but it was a sore spot, and no matter how much they’d ribbed each other in the past, their romantic lives were never fair game. “It’s not like that,” Keith said. “We’re political rivals.” Gnov had been in Zarkon’s inner circle, and she led the capital sector before Keith had taken the Kral Zera. Now, she led an old-school conservative faction that liked to counter every proposal Keith made to depose the former warlords’ ability to influence votes.

“Maybe,” Lance said. “But Galra have a thing for rivalries, don’t they,” and he smirked into his next bite.

Keith’s shoulders pushed back. Was Lance…

...

Lance was definitely flirting. Showy and gregarious like he used to be before he’d wrapped himself up in Allura’s burdens. There was an achy edge to his smiles any time the jokes died down, but he always found the strength to start up again, and Keith knew better than to take any of the teasing personally. He _knew_ better, but...

Gears were turning in his chest that hadn’t moved for years. Rusted over with duties and diplomatic meetings, political rallies and missions, and they creaked and pinched to turn. It hurt. Because the work wasn’t done and he couldn’t play this game right now.

He needed to think this through, be rational with his expectations for once. The burn of some strong nunvil as Keith put down the glass in his hand and motioned for more.

He had a good relationship with Lance- for all the silence. Maybe they’d parted on bad terms after his short stay on Earth, but Lance had been grieving and Keith didn’t begrudge it. His fondness for the man was stronger for all the time and distance apart, and in hindsight, even the difficult memories were good ones where Lance was concerned.

When he’d lost Shiro- every time, he hadn’t thought he would make it. He destroyed his future at the Garrison, ran away to the desert, and again- tried to destroy his relationships with the other paladins, run away to the Blade. He didn’t think he was strong enough to move forward without someone to inspire him, to believe in him. And every time, it was Lance that found him, dragged him up, and stayed by his side until he was strong enough to stand on his own.

After the restoration, Lance had collapsed, and Keith had recognized the feeling. So, when the _Atlas_ returned its crew to earth, he had tried to stay. Tried to do for Lance what Lance had done for him, but it hadn’t helped. The McClain family hosted him for a few weeks, but no matter how much space Keith gave him, it wasn’t enough. Lance pulled away.

Lance didn’t want Keith by his side.

Now, Keith was starting to think about it. The way Lance followed, their friendly rivalry- maybe Lance wanted him a couple steps ahead.

So, Keith took another drink. Just to get ahead.

...

He wasn’t drunk. Maybe a little buzzed, but mostly just honest, and that probably had more to do with his company than it did with the drinks.

He stood apart from the others with Lance, watching the sun dip lower, chatting about Lance’s family, their continued restorations to the farm which Keith had seen a little of when he’d stayed over. Between the nunvil and the chatter, Lance’s shoulders had dropped, loose and easy and Keith finally gathered the nerve to ask what he was doing on Altea. Lance admitted he’d had sensitivity to quintessence since Allura left, and he’d been working with Coran to learn what he could about the marks she’d given him. In return, Lance turned the conversation back on Keith, asking how things were _really_ going on Daibazaal…

And, Keith had known turning the conversation towards their Coalition elections was an easy way to brush off the topic at dinner, but Lance would know better than to believe his cheery optimism in front of the Paladins. The Galra had been trying to join the Coalition since the day Keith dismantled the throne. The negotiations were just...arduous. “Sometimes I still hate them...” he said, staring out over all the shades of purple and red in the sky.

“The Galra in general?” Lance said, but one look at Keith’s face and he answered himself, mouth pressed thin and turning away, and Keith didn’t feel a need to qualify the statement. There were factors of Galran culture he loved, respected, identified with deeply. But there was also...so much pain. Lance folded his arms against the railing, popping his hips back and crossing his feet at the ankles. “Do you regret it then?” _the Kral Zera, ending the line._

“No, I just mean…” Keith stopped. Standing here, next to Lance, shoulders brushing, watching the sun set, Keith wasn’t sure he had no regrets to speak of, but- “all the politics.” He leaned his own arms on the railing. “Sometimes I wish they would’ve just stood and fought at the Kral Zera if they wanted to oppose me at every turn.”

Keith was aware how it sounded. If he’d just kept the title emperor, he could’ve silenced his opposition by force, but by establishing a republic in the form the Blade had carefully designed, they were moving forward into the future. Slowly. Steadily. It was a lot of work, but this is what he chose. He didn’t regret that. But, this was Lance- Lance who would never assume that. The only person Keith would ever say any of this to. Could ever admit he had his doubts.

Lance didn’t answer for a long while. But, there wasn’t much to say really. Then- “Well, I kinda figured the team wasn’t getting back together anytime soon,” he said, and turned his back to the railing to glance back to the other paladins, already inside playing some form of Altean charades.

Keith turned towards him, brows knit. He wasn’t sure how that was related to what he’d been saying or- “Why’d you think that?” and even with his fifth glass of nunvil in hand, Keith hadn’t felt drunk or incoherent until Lance laughed at that outright. Was it a dumb thing to ask?

Lance must’ve seen the pinch in Keith’s mouth, the set in his jaw that said he really _was_ asking, because he explained, “We’re all going different ways. Hunk and Shiro out on the _Atlas,_ fronting that big-D: diplomacy, Pidge just accepted the research grant the Garrison put out and I think she’ll drop the teaching position to do it. You giving the guidance the Galra need to change. It all makes sense. The universe isn’t at war now, so it doesn’t need Voltron.” He shrugged, folding his arms over his chest, and lifting his glass to his lips. It was probably supposed to look casual, laid-back, but Keith knew body language well enough to recognize self-soothing. Lance smiled and tipped his glass toward Keith. “But it does need paladins, so...guess you’ll just have to keep putting up with it.”

And _oh._ Keith recognized this tactic from Lance. A classic call to his sense of duty. It was effective as always and he couldn’t help giving a small smile in response because yeah- he would put up with it. He was strong enough. Because he had to be- because Lance was right that the universe still needed him, but... _Lance_ was a paladin too- so…

Where did he think _he_ was needed?

Lance was stepping away from the railing before Keith could think of a way to ask, starting inside. He waved a hand behind himself, “Just stay cool, will’ya hot head?”

...

Keith expected to sleep clear through to morning that night, pleasantly drunk and stumbling just a little on his way to bed.

But he woke with a roar.

A pang of red light behind his eyes.

His quintessence? It sort of felt like Lance, but the meld the Paladins entered to form Voltron never gave such a clear connection to any individual. No, this was something older, something before- Red.

He flung himself out of bed and pulled on a shirt, running outside and nearly into Shiro’s chest. They exchanged quick looks and turned down the hall, running to the back landing where Blue was parked, inert- or so they thought. Above her in the sky- without being called, the other four lions were hovering and-

Lance was already outside in his Altean nightclothes. Keith ran to his side, felt Red purring in his mind, a familiar thrill. But, it’d been so long since he felt it- the way Red hummed with the simple excitement for life, the lack of that extra weight that came with piloting Black: responsibility. Red was so different to feel, the role of support and faith in a leader. It ached to know how much he’d changed, Keith was awed with it.

But there was something else...was this- what Lance had meant. The universe didn’t need Voltron. The Lions they were…

Leaving.


	3. Chapter 3

Keith wasn’t sure why he’d agreed to this. His gut warned him against it, Shiro had warned him against it, so obviously Lance’s vote was outnumbered. He wasn’t sure why he was here, but the sun was setting and cicadas were chirping and Keith hadn’t felt this calm in-

Well, pretty much ever.

He had three days before Axca was expecting to pick him up from Altea, and when Pidge had asked him to come back to Earth with the others and see the teleduv, all the excuses Keith had been making to himself had revolved around fears of spending more time with the other Paladins. But talking about Allura was nowhere near as bad as he’d expected. In large part- thanks to Lance and his general improvement…

Lance who insisted that everyone on the farm missed Keith and he simply _must_ stay over- without mentioning that most of the McClain clan were out buying heavy machinery for the planting season. Lance who set a case of wine coolers by Keith’s chair on the porch, popping the caps off two bottles, clutched expertly between long fingers.

Keith just watched, one leg braced against the porch railing, rocking himself back and forth. He raised a brow at the bottle Lance offered him. “Got anything stronger than that?”

“Yes, but…” Lance’s gaze shifted and he tried to give a smirk, but it was nervous, shaky- not quite believable, “I kinda want you coherent.”

Wanted to talk then. Maybe that was why he’d _really_ insisted Keith come stay here. Figured. All of the Paladins had been on-edge after the Lions took off, turning long goodbyes into “stay a little longer” and finally “come with us”. Lance especially had been lingering like he had something to say, and talking was everything Keith had feared, but he just huffed a laugh through his nose as he took the drink from Lance’s fingers and made him drop the bottle opener. “I’m not as much of a lightweight anymore,” he warned. Honestly, his stomach was still unsettled from the previous night’s nunvil. Lance didn’t need to know that.

“Ooh, sorry, mister gruff Galra. I guess you’ve gotta hold your own at your fancy events these days.” Lance sat in the other rocker, and took a sip, leaning back and mimicking Keith’s posture, his chair creaking.

How cliche they were, like a couple old men. Keith secretly loved it.

“I bet the Galra are big drinkers,” Lance said and looked out over the front yard where a couple sheep were grazing idly before the sun could sink fully under the horizon. “I bet without the empire shoving sticks up their asses, they’re all work hard, party hard, aren’t they?”

Keith smiled into his bottle and shook his head, but not because Lance was wrong. “You think about them a lot?” he said, and it was meant to be just teasing but his mouth rambled on, “After the war-”

“Yeah.”

Keith stopped and looked at Lance because he was looking at him first. Like he knew what Keith meant. Knew it before Keith said it, before he knew-

 _After the war_ had nothing to do with Honerva. Keith’s war against the Galra people had ended long before Voltron turned their efforts on the Alteans. He’d been through enough with the Blade to see the ways the Galra were exploited by the gears of their own empire. For every selfish reason he’d had to leave with them- there was also this. This intrinsic need to save them.

“I think about them a lot because of you.” Lance’s chair creaked and Keith had to look away, back to the horizon. He could feel Lance’s eyes still on the side of his face. “Did you ever imagine using Voltron to help them rebuild things? End all the fighting?” he said, and Keith didn’t miss the nostalgia in his tone, longing and regret.

But, it was too soon to miss the Lions already, so “I kinda _did_ ,” Keith said. He took a sip from his bottle. A little too sweet to ever admit he liked it. “If I hadn’t been flying Black to the Kral Zera, someone would’ve challenged me for sure,” he said, “And I always flew to diplomatic meetings with former colonies. They liked the reassurance of seeing one of the Lions of Voltron, it gave them confidence.” Keith drank again and gave a grin that he hoped looked like a smirk, but Lance was right in an unsettling way.

If Allura hadn’t left the team the way she did- if she hadn’t left them in the _state_ they’d been in, Keith would’ve led the team into just that- leading the Galra forward. Even as they left to fight Honerva, there was a part of Keith that would’ve used their tour on the _Atlas_ for more operations like the one on Lahn’s base, to use his own words to convince more Galran leaders to change. Maybe Lance knew...Honerva, Voltron, it was all _Allura’s_ war, the war _she_ was born to fight...

“...it looks weird without Red…” Lance lifted his bottle to his lips and Keith followed his gaze out into the yard where a patch of dead grass marked the place where Lance’s Lion had been parked.

The memorial for Allura must’ve been the first time Lance flew Red since she’d left. It was sad to think it was also the last, but- “We’ll get used to it,” Keith said, gentle. He wanted Lance to know he understood- he felt it too.

But, “I know. I’ve been here before.”

And, that twisted something in Keith’s gut. The sympathy he hadn’t been able to find last time he’d been here- the loss. He didn’t know what to say and the air felt sticky and loud with insects.

“Keith...last time you were here-“

“We don’t have to-“

“I pushed you away. That’s the _last_ thing I wanted and I…”

“Lance really, it’s okay.” The last thing he wanted? Keith could understand it then. If Lance had been afraid of him leaving, he could understand seeing something as inevitable and just wanting to get it over with…

“No it’s not okay, Keith,” Lance said, his arm dropping down to set his bottle on the deck, “I was sick of everyone treating me like they pitied me. But you never- we were normal…you never pushed me to talk about it or looked at me like I was fragile, and you were probably the _only_ one who did. It helped- it...having you around meant- it meant everything to me, but...” Lance drifted like he wasn’t sure why he couldn’t just let the statement end there. Why there had ever been a problem.

“But, you weren’t supposed to feel normal yet,” Keith said. If he was judging it right, Lance probably hadn’t been feeling much of _anything_ in those first few weeks. Numbness when no other emotions felt appropriate- felt possible. How could anyone be bitter? Allura saved the universe. How could they be sad? She’d left with her father and Lotor and those she loved. How could they be happy? She was gone.

Keith tipped his drink back and swallowed, looked at Lance who seemed to be chewing on his words, and he realized- for all they’d talked about Allura the night before on Altea, Lance hadn’t. He’d just listened to it all, and while he apparently gushed about Allura to all the tours that came through the castle, maybe some things were easier to say to a crowd that wouldn’t understand. Easier for Lance to talk about to strangers...

So Keith went on, “Grief is weird. So much of it feels like a performance for everyone else, and she left you in a shitty position as her boyfriend.”

What could Lance do but fall apart? It’s what everyone expected to see. The woman he loved was gone forever- and it was her choice to go. Who could blame him for being bedridden for days, being devastated? Keith knew he was- it’s why he’d disbanded the team in the first place, practically forbidden Shiro from assigning _any_ of the Paladins to missions on the way back to Earth. Keith also knew how much the pressure to _be_ devastated only made things worse, and when your girlfriend’s saved all of reality, there were a lot of people out there, wailing about it like grief was a competition.

“You’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead.” Lance said, not missing a beat, but there was no bite in it.

“Well, you can’t really be dead when all life carries your essence…”

Lance shrugged, but he was tapping the lip of his bottle to his cheek over one of his marks. Maybe he didn’t realize he was doing it. “She deserved to be mourned.”

“Yeah…” Keith agreed. Because she did and he’d already felt this himself, the guilt that came along with the emptiness. Heavy, despite all the differences he’d had with her. It had to be crushing for Lance.

Allura had never been someone you shrugged and said thank you to. Her gifts were life itself- bringing Shiro back, saving Lance, building the team and protecting it over and over. She gave Keith purpose and resolution, and the gratitude for that couldn’t be said aloud, had to be shown with loyalty and dedication, blood and sweat.

Without the ability to give _her_ that...

Keith knew it was different for Lance. The gifts she’d given _him_ were...softer, harder to replicate for a race of complete strangers ready to bend a knee and follow his lead.

“She also deserved to be honored…her hopes for the universe...” Lance said, musing like these weren’t really his words, they were said to him at some point, and Keith wondered who it’d been- Coran or Shiro, maybe Iverson. Then, “For us…”

“...us?” Keith hesitated. Did he mean ‘us’ the Paladins of Voltron or...

“To move on, y’know?” Lance shifted in his seat, tucked one leg under his butt like the topic was difficult. “Shiro came and visited after you guys finished with the Olkari negotiations,” he said, and that answered _that_ question. “A few days before you called me actually. I dunno if it’s just cause he saw all you guys in the same place again and I wasn't there, but he said he was worried that I was holding myself back.”

Keith looked at him, and Lance chewed his lip for a moment.

“I told him I’m done with all that- military and politics, but it stuck with me. I haven’t travelled much or started any new projects besides a little reading about quintessence transfers, I don’t really go out to meet people, and now I’m back here. And, getting things running on the farm is good, but I’m…” he shrugged and his shoulders hunched in a little, “I’m scared. It’s like...what if I’m just...standing still. It’s been a year. I should be moving on, right?”

Apparently that’s what Shiro had been telling him to do- probably what had spurred Lance to go back to Altea, so Keith wasn’t sure why he sounded so unsure. And, if Lance’s idea of ‘moving on' was travelling and meeting people, Keith knew he wasn’t the person to ask about this. It sounded exhausting. It sounded like politics. “Are you asking me for permission to move on?”

“Wow, Keith…”

“What?”

“The whole emperor thing really went to your head, huh?” Keith’s expression soured and he narrowed his eyes for Lance to get to the point. “No, I’m just saying. What if she wouldn’t want this for me? We want the people we love to be happy no matter what, and well…” Allura loved him and wanted him to be happy? Keith felt something churn in his stomach at the idea of Lance believing this- that Allura could leave him like this if she cared about his happiness- “I think she felt enough for me to want that.”

Keith didn’t reply.

“She at least wouldn’t want me to be miserable all the time.”

“Okay.” It was short and curt, but Keith didn’t want this conversation.

But, it was the wrong thing to say and “Okay?” Lance said then flattened back into his seat with a huff, looking back out into the yard- dark now. “Wow. I knew you didn’t like us dating, but at least Shiro had the decency to agree with me.”

Keith reeled. Lance knew he didn’t...but Keith had worked so hard to be supportive- every time Lance or Allura had fumbled with each other, he tried. No matter how much it hurt. No matter how hard it became as Lance’s crush expanded, as his declarations grew in fervor, as Allura fed into his affections. “I am agreeing with you.”

“No you’re not- you’re pulling the face.”

“What face?”

“The sour, pouty one you get when you’re not agreeing with someone,” Lance said. “Those imperial faction leaders must really be letting you get away with a lot. You used to be better at hiding it, like- as many times as I caught it and pulled you aside, I can count a dozen other times you were pissed and none of us realized until you were being a huge bitch about it later on, and of course it’s always _my_ fault for not catching it- so I’m pretty good at catching it. ”

Lance was babbling and being mean, trying to get a rise, so his feelings were hurt, and Keith frowned deeper, “I’m not disagreeing with you,” he said, “Allura would want you to be happy.”

“But?”

“No ‘buts’.”

“There’s a ‘but’ here, Keith. We need to talk about the ‘but’.”

“Lance.”

“Show me your ‘but’, Keith.”

“Stop it.”

Lance tossed him a look, “Bossy,” he said, “I have missed that, but no. My house, my jurisdiction. Tell me what’s got you all twisted up about the idea of me moving on-”

“That’s not what I’m-”

“It is! You think Allura would want me to stay here forever?”

“You _know_ that’s not it,” Keith huffed, his voice taking on an edge he didn’t want, but he couldn’t help it.

“Then can’t you just let it go?” Lance said, leaning his elbow on the armrest of his rocker and facing Keith down cruelly, “The war’s over so it’s not a big distraction now- what’s it matter what I do?” a flicker of something passed over his eyes, challenging. “What’s it matter if I date again?”

What did Lance want him to say? That he thought that was a bad idea? Too soon. A bad look. A bad idea if it wasn’t… “That’s not it!”

“Then you think she’d want me to keep mourning her,” Lance decided.

And Keith snapped, “No! I think if Allura _loved_ you, she never would’ve hurt you in the first place.”

Lance stopped. His eyes twitched, narrowed.

It’d come out harsh, and Keith had thought he’d regret it if those words slipped from his mouth, but he’d held them back for so long, it was just relief. Because he knew- if Allura had loved Lance, she would’ve spared him the chance of ever having to grieve her. She would’ve known what it meant to commit her life to a war. To be trapped in a time bomb about to explode on an ill-advised reconnaissance mission, to be hurtling through space with a torn suit and the doors to their escape ship closing too fast, to have your course set for the Galra cruiser’s main shield knowing full-well you’ll be destroyed. To be expendable.

If Allura loved Lance and planned to be expendable, she never would’ve accepted his love, never allowed him to feel it, would’ve confronted it more firmly.

...or run away from it entirely.

Keith had been so bitter- so angry with Allura for dying. Because of this. Because the moment she’d accepted Lance’s feelings, Keith had trusted her to make him happy in all the ways he couldn’t. Trusted her _not_ to do this...

“I know she didn’t love me."

Keith stopped, stared.

Lance was rocking himself again, back and forth slowly so his chair creaked and filled the silence. “I mean- I’ve thought about this a lot since she left, but I knew that even at the time. She’d never love me like I loved her. She couldn’t.”

Keith wasn’t understanding, his brain simply refused to process the information. Lance knew Allura didn’t love him? Yet he still picked her...when Keith was...

“It was never about that though- me being loved like that,” Lance said. “I mean, who knows how long we would’ve lasted if she’d stuck around, but at the time, she was going through so much. Lotor using her feelings, blinding her and betraying her trust, then you finding her people in the worst possible way. It didn’t matter how she felt about me. I loved her, so I wanted her to have something nice even if it was small.” A soft look came over Lance’s eyes, a sad smile and he looked at Keith, “Exactly what I had to offer.”

“Lance…” Keith’s voice broke, pain and irritation at once. “I never meant you had to give up your heart, that’s not...that’s so much…”

Lance shrugged like he didn’t disagree but he also didn’t regret it. “Better to’ve loved and lost than never to’ve-”

“Bullshit.”

A heavy beat passed and Lance glanced over, noted Keith’s clenched fist and “You’re angry?” his voice tipped into frustrated bewilderment, that Keith still had protests about his picture-perfect-relationship, and this was dissolving. “Why’re you angry?!”

This idiot- _Because you should be loved!_ Keith snapped. _I wanted you to be loved!_ Except he didn’t. The words stayed stopped up behind his tongue because people don’t really say what they’re thinking. Not really. And, some walls never come down. “It’s just bullshit.”

Lance let that sit in the air for a moment before raising his bottle towards Keith to clank them together in a mockery of a toast.

...

It wasn’t until Keith woke for his early morning routine of letting his mind spin restlessly, that it hit him. He fumbled from the couch and up the stairs to Lance’s room- only stumbling a little in the dark to find his door. Always unlocked, but strangely- open this time.

He missed the creaky floorboard, and in the bluish light from the window he saw Lance stir with the sound.

He stepped inside and slid onto the side of the bed, “Lance,” he whispered.

A low grumbling noise and Lance pulled the blanket back to his chin where Keith’s weight had tugged it down.

Keith reached out, and against his better judgment, touched Lance’s hair, pushed it back from his cheek, “Lance, wake up.”

He resisted, face scrunching stubbornly, but Keith could make out the reflection of light in his eyes and “Keith?” he said, voice rough from disuse, staring like he was lost. “You came…”

Had he forgotten he’d invited Keith over? Keith blinked and pulled his hand back, “I was thinking about what you said- about moving on.”

Lance pushed up onto his elbows, “Yeah?”

“Come with me.”

Keith knew it was an impulsive thing to suggest, and he wasn’t sure what he expected, but Lance laughed like it was pulled from him- more like a cough. “What?”

“To Daibazaal.”

“That’s not why I…” Lance hesitated, brows scrunching and he stared at Keith like he was having a revelation. His teeth flashed white in the dark, “You mean it?”

Keith smiled back, “Of course.” He could already imagine how good it would be, having someone around he could actually _talk_ to, and “You have more experience than I do with diplomacy, and you hit a lot of the planets we’re in negotiations with when you guys were on tour without me.”

Lance’s face fell then, and “Oh, right...Keith, I don’t- I meant what I said to Shiro. I’m done with all that stuff.”

“Then…” why had he smiled like that? Why- “You said you wanted to move on…”

“Yeah, but more like getting some hobbies, travelling, going to clubs,” he shrugged, “making a dating profile.”

“That’s not how you said it,” Keith said, and his heart was beating too hard to hold back the edge from his tone.

“Uh- yea it is,” Lance scooted back, putting distance between them, “I dunno what you thought you heard but I never said anything about throwing myself into Galra diplomacy- I _can’t..._ ”

“Then you don’t have to!” Keith amended quickly, “It’d be nice just to have you around as my partner-”

“But I’m not your partner.” Lance pulled his legs in, “I mean, I’m not your right hand anymore- technically…”

Keith’s chest ached with the pounding now. Why did it hurt to hear that? It was true, just facts. The Lions were gone, so “Alright, then as a friend,” he said. But, Lance’s expression only tightened further, and Keith could feel panic setting in. He’d never put himself out there like this- hadn’t known he could feel this way with Lance, flayed open and vulnerable, “I don’t have anyone I can talk to out there,” he admitted. “And, it gets hard, the things they try to say about my mom and the Blade and halfbreeds…”

Lance’s lips were pressed tight and he rubbed the back of his neck, obviously feeling put on the spot, and Keith wanted to take back everything- his offer and his desperation just to make that uncomfortable look go away, but he couldn’t.

His heart was choking him now, creeping up his throat.

“Keith, you know I respect everything you’re doing. I mean, you always amaze me, and I’m really proud of you- like unspeakably so, but…”

But? Keith's chest felt so tight. In all the time they’d been friends, all the ways they’d supported each other through the worst of it, Lance had never said anything that heartfelt and kind. It was all Keith’s implicit understanding. How could there be a but?

“I just can’t be a crutch for you…”

And,  _oh._ Keith stared, brow knit because- was that all Lance thought Keith wanted him for? A crutch? Just someone ease the weight whenever the pressure was too much to bare- just there to make it easier, “Like you were for _her_.”

It wasn’t a question and immediately Keith could see the set in Lance’s jaw, the marks on his cheeks beginning to glow. He’d touched a nerve, but he didn’t take it back. It was only fair.

“I don’t appreciate the insinuation that I would treat you the way she treated you,” Keith said.

That earned some silent glaring and, “I invited you here because I wanted us to be on good terms again…” Lance said, voice low and warning.

But, “I want that too.”

“Then please,” Lance took a slow breath and looked at Keith like he really was pleading, brow soft and open in the dim light, “be careful what you say next.”

No. Keith’s mouth fell open. He closed it, and “No,” he said. When had they ever been anything but blunt with each other? For all the things they left unsaid, they never _demanded_ anything but the truth, and Keith was sick of pandering to this- the way Lance wanted to remember things with Allura. “Who’s running away now? You said it yourself, she didn't love you back, and if she'd stayed, how long d'you think you would've kept her?"

Someone like Allura- she wasn't kept, she couldn't belong to a single person when she couldn't even belong to herself. She'd been born to belong to her people, her duty, her legacy.

"You didn't love her, Lance- you _belonged_ to her. You _wanted_ to belong to her," Keith said, "as if she'd give you herself in return.”

Lance tugged his sheet out from under Keith’s legs, “Just...get out of my room.”

...

It hadn’t been as rough as the last time. Technically.

There were no doors slamming or Lance crying. Definitely progress. If Keith had wanted to, he probably could’ve stayed and made up for it by fixing breakfast. They’d managed to patch things up a couple times before the final meltdown with some over-easy eggs and crispy hash browns. But, it didn’t feel right this time.

Because it was probably Keith’s fault this time.

Keith liked to think that, in the years he’d spent in training, he’d learned a lot about himself- his temper, his impatience, and if not how to control them, at least how to anticipate and mitigate the damage. So, he knew how this would end.

At best, he would say his goodbyes with this embarrassing longing in the air, and he would leave Lance with his useless guilt. At worst, he’d bring it up again, Lance would get defensive, Keith would argue it, they’d fight again and part on bad terms. Which they’d both agreed they didn’t want.

No, Keith knew when he wasn’t wanted around for a morning-after conversation. This wasn’t the typical context, and while it was easier to disappear- easier to fold up the blanket and toss it over the back of the couch than it was to sneak out of someone’s sheets, it was a lot more difficult to actually leave. When it _really_ felt like running away.

Still, better to quit while they were ahead. Better to be gone by the time Lance woke up.


	4. Chapter 4

There was a message on Keith’s communicator by the time he reached the Garrison. He restrained himself from checking it. Because he’d been here before. He knew better. Whether Lance wanted him to turn around and stay or to never come back again, he couldn’t know.

He made it through the Teleduv. Through the portal on Daibazaal, and through the walk to his apartment before he stopped at the door and pulled out the device. He tapped Lance’s message.

_ > your bike’s gone so I’m guessing you left. drive safe. _

He let out a breath. Easy. Forgiven. “Thank you, Lance…” he muttered and unlocked the door.

He figured Axca might be home since the apartment on Daibazaal was strategically close to the capital’s teleduv, but he didn’t expect- “Veronica?” sitting at the kitchen counter.

“Hi, Keith.” She smiled, warm and familiar as if this wasn’t unusual.

“You’re back early.” Axca was standing by the synthesizer like she’d been programming them something to eat, but Keith hadn’t noticed her, eyes caught on their visitor in confusion. He threw her a look. Axca didn’t always get his social cues, especially when he spent any time around humans and picked up his old habits again, but she was getting better and she frowned at him, “We thought you were staying with the Blue Paladin-”

“Lance,” Keith said and Axca raised a brow. “Just. Call him Lance.”

Veronica leaned an arm on the back of her chair, one of the silvery metal ones, and she looked Keith over as he stepped inside and dropped his travel bag on the stiff couch in their communal room, resigned. He knew Axca had been growing...close to Lance’s sister, but neither she nor Keith invited people over. There was no discreet way to bring guests into an apartment complex rented out by all the political leaders of the empire. Keith preferred staying over other guys’ places, and Axca didn’t...well, Keith had _thought_ she didn’t do this with anyone. But, this made sense.

“You guys had a fight?” Veronica said- “That’s why you’re back early?” Like she knew, and she did.

But, Keith wasn’t up for it. He and Lance would work it out like they always did, second chances and starting over, but still. He wasn’t up for it. “You’re here to have sex?” he gestured vaguely at Axca whose face stayed stony as Veronica went pink. “So I should sleep at the base tonight?”

“Yes-”

“Keith! Don’t just-!”

He just grabbed his bag and walked to his room to change out the clothes he’d packed for fresh ones. He didn’t feel like sleeping in his blade suit tonight.

Outside, the view of the skyline flickered with aerial traffic, the greenish glow of Olkarian tech powering the city left a hazy yellow tinge over the nighttime horizon and the silhouettes of tall buildings. If he had his way, Keith wouldn’t be living in the capital. It was noisy and urgent, always buzzing with activity and making him feel like he should be moving.

“Your mother won’t be at the station.” Axca was standing in his doorway, arms folded over her chest. “So I should say this to you myself.”

He folded up a loose pair of shorts- human clothes- and stuffed them in his bag, glancing at her curiously.

“You were the right man for the job when the Blade chose you because you needed the Galra as much as we needed you...but, the moment that ceases to be the case, you should go be with-”

“Axca,” Keith stopped her there. “It wasn’t like that.”

But, that earned a flat look. Bland disbelief.

She thought that was the source of their ‘fight’, as Veronica put it- as if Lance would ask him to stay. But, “I did ask him to come back with me,” he admitted and turned to pluck a shirt from his drawer. He knew it’d been dumb thing to ask- an impulsive risk in the one way he’d always been careful. Keith couldn’t even be mad that- “He refused. There’s nothing more to it.”

...

Of course there was more to it.

Keith laid awake that night on a cot in the Blade’s satellite station, letting his mind spin like it always did, but pointedly steering it away from Allura and what Lance had said about her...how she felt about him...or didn't...

He spent a lot of nights awake, thinking the sort of things that intergalactic leaders must always think. Was it right to let people rely on him? Did he deserve it? Was he doing enough? What if he was wrong? What if there was a better way?

He’d taken this on, knowing the commitment it was, knowing what he had promised to do when he’d picked up that torch. He shouldn’t pretend to be a leader if he wasn’t ready to make decisions. To make sacrifices- his time, his energy, his happiness. He would grow old like this, tired and afraid it would never be enough, but that’s what he’d asked for.

A place in the future.

Tonight he wasn’t thinking like that.

It was a lot more like- _why did I agree to this? How long can I keep this up? How long before it just crushes me? But, how can I leave? I’ve gone too far, haven’t I? How did I let it get this far? Why me? Why did they want me? Why couldn’t the universe pick anyone else?_

But, the universe hadn’t picked him- not really. Not to lead the Galra, not to lead Voltron- not to fly Black- or fly at all. Shiro had. The one person he couldn’t resent for it. It wouldn’t be fair because- Shiro had given him a life. He hadn’t forced him to keep it. That had been-

Lance’s message was still on his screen when he opened his communicator. He’d never replied. Would’ve normally sent a quick text to say he’d arrived at least, and he couldn’t just say that now, but...everything felt too big. He needed small, needed silly-

**> I drove unsafe. Broke a personal speeding record.**

_ > should’ve invited me if that was the plan. we’re faster together. _

The response was so immediate, Keith almost smiled, but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t make things light by himself, always had to be so heavy. **> I did.**

_ > hmm? nope, don’t remember that. didn’t happen. _

The laugh blurted from Keith’s throat, half-shocked. The abruptness of the memory felt like a slap to the face he’d desperately needed and he tapped his screen to start typing up a response, but before he knew what to say, a bubble appeared to show Lance typing, and he stopped. Waited.

The bubble disappeared. And reappeared, looking distinctly hesitant. For a bubble. Disappeared again for a lot longer. Then the message came all at once. _ > y’know, leaving without a note is a good way to break hearts... _

And, Keith stared at that. It felt like a question- like Lance felt the weight Keith was carrying and was tossing his own back, and Keith knew exactly the wrong thing to say. **> Good thing you already gave yours away.**

_ > :p _

So, Lance broke, and Keith felt his neck relax, head falling a little deeper into his pillow because they’d done it. Pushing and pulling, it was always a question of which wall would crush them when it finally came toppling, but tonight they were just being mean.

_ > we’re good right? _

**> We’re always good.**

...

Keith started growing out his hair.

At first it just slipped his mind for a few weeks. Then it was laziness. Then, the gossip columns started talking about it, and he wanted to see how long he could keep it up before-

_ > Fix this. [img.attach] _

He kept growing it.

_..._

Their conversations had grown too.

Lance always started it. He sent pictures of the farm, the livestock, the fields, the new structures he was building around the property, cooking videos he made with his nephew, recordings of his niece's cello recital.

And, for the longest time, Keith hadn’t known what to do with those messages. Sent back polite replies, happy faces or a thumbs-up.

During the war, the team shared stories about their families and the things they did with the people that loved them. It had been new for Keith, and maybe he’d had nothing to share, but he had loved those stories. He used them to fuel his protective rage in the battle against Honerva, fighting to get them home.

Without a war to make the stories necessary, Keith didn’t ask about Lance’s family. In the few weeks he’d spent with the McClain family, Keith had seen a glimpse of what Lance’s life might look like when he’d healed enough to live it, and visiting Earth after Allura’s memorial- only if for a night, he knew Lance was well on his way to standing up on his own- without Keith’s help. He’d thought he would be hard to hear about Lance living his life if he couldn’t be there to see it. Thought he’d be irritated to hear about mundane things like which cows were being ornery when Lance milked them or palapatated them for breeding. None of it interested him at all. In fact he’d rather _not_ think about cows’ teats or Lance shoving his arm inside one, but it did help him compartmentalize his own life into two categories:

 _'Things I wanna tell Lance'_ and ' _Things I don’t care about'._

Because Lance cared so much. When he talked about his grandmother’s new girlfriend or his brother applying for an apartment, when one of the sheep needed shearing or the chickens were being noisy. He kept sharing his life even if there wasn’t a reason to and Keith never asked, so Keith had to reply with more than just a lame ‘wow’ or ‘so cute’.

So he found things that could fit into texts. He complained about how long the briefing packets were for the federal housing plan, rather than going over the specifications of the program. He talked about how Councilmember Ryclax was shady and probably the one stealing his breakfast sandwiches from the break room instead of focusing on the former-warlord’s poor record keeping and under-the-table arms deals. Keith’s concerns for disappearing weapons and his plans for a future of universal housing were eventually discussed, but only after they’d talked about Keith’s mundane frustrations.

Only after he let Lance through a couple more walls.

...

Keith didn’t realize he was leaking state secrets until Axca had Zethrid’s Olkari friend update his communicator to wipe the contents of his conversation with Lance if anyone that wasn’t Keith so much as touched the device.

That lead to a couple awkward conversations.

 

**> Can you resend the recording of your podcast for that dairy journal? It got deleted.**

_ > uh sure? _

_ > the one about the dilation of the teat canal after machine milking? _

**> Yeah. You talk about the vacuum causing infection or something.**

_ > technically it’s the edema caused by the vacuum. bigger teat diameter = bigger risk of mastitis. _

_ > but _

_ > I didn’t know you were interested in my dairy stuff. _

**> It puts me to sleep.**

_ > wow, you listen to me to go to sleep? _

_ > I dunno if I’m hurt or flattered… _

 

**> It’s so loud here.**

_ > not much of a city boy, are ya? _

**> Not at all. I miss open airspace and my bike. I miss being able to get away from people.**

**> There’re protesters outside.**

_ > oh? what’d you do? _

**> The whole complex is diplomatic leaders...**

_ > I know. you talk shit abt them all the time. _

_ > so what’d you do? _

**> ...**

_ > c’mon, Keith. you wouldn’t complain about protestors if you agreed with them. _

**> I introduced the ban on mercenaries.**

_ > ooooh, that was you? _

_ > that has not been the popular move. _

_ > lemme guess- you closed the ‘defense contractors’ loophole and people lost their jobs. _

**> Yes. **

_ > woof. that’s probably not helping the economy. _

**> What’d you know about the economy?**

_ > not much, but crippling your top export is probably not super helpful… _

**> Yeah? So it was wrong?**

_ > now, wait. _

**> How’re we supposed to change what the Galra stand for in the universe if all we sell is warfare?**

_ > I didn’t mean I disagree. _

**> Then you would’ve done something different.**

_ > No, Keith. no. you’ve been fighting everyone about this haven’t you? _

_ > I think it’s brave. you've always been more about integrity than being likable. _

_ > better to be hated for doing the right thing than to let people get hurt so you can be loved.  _

**> Wow…**

**> I’m gonna go hand Veronica my phone and never look at that again.**

_ > what? Keith! _

_ > don’t- _

 

**> I lost the podcast again.**

_ > aud.attach _

**> Thank you.**

_ > you like my voice~ _

 

_ > don’t open that. _

**> I couldn’t. Memory wiped again.**

_ > ok, cool cool _

**> Why? What'd you send?**

**> ...Lance?**

 

**> I think Gnov might actually be hitting on me now. I don’t like it**

_ > oh good, we’re still talking. _

**> What? Why wouldn’t we be?**

_ > you were very drunk last night. did someone touch your phone? _

**> Must have. My memory cleared. Did I say something?**

**> What’d I say?**

_ > you don’t wanna know. _

**> Lance.**

_ > I know why Gnov’s hitting on you. you don’t wanna know. _

 

**> I lost Stella’s concert, can u resend?**

_ > your security is ridiculous, man. you really have to lose our whole conversation everytime someone touches your phone? _

**> I’ve got enemies.**

_ > what? you? _

**> ...**

_ > I know I know. _

_ > vid.attach _

**> thanks**

_ > yknow...there’s a spring concert in May. you could see it in person. _

**> I’m on too many committees to get more than a day off. I wouldn’t make the travel time.**

_ > oh, yea ok. no problem, man. _

_ > the universe comes first :) _

_ > but if the universe ever gives you a break... _

…

And, that was the problem. 

Keith began to understand the meaning behind the Kral Zera, the purification of the eternal flame. To lead. To give himself completely to his duty to the Galra people. The fact that he stood aside in politics without a sector to represent gave him certain advantages, not having a constituency he was beholden to. But, operating out of his own intrinsic motivation was exhausting when all he wanted was what Lance had said…

A break.

He had to destroy himself, burn away his own desires. To lead like this,  _he_ needed distance, needed time. Because he’d been right. It was harder, knowing Lance was living his life when he had to resist the chance to see him live it.

He tapered his communication. Gave excuses and long silences, removed himself as gracefully as he had every time he'd been here before.

...

Then, the second anniversary of the Restoration came, and Keith had been having a reoccurring dream. Strange, partially because he hadn’t been dreaming much since Voltron left, and partially because…

In it, he was at the Garrison, reliving one of the times he’d fallen off the obstacle course, tripped over himself in a formation run, or been thrown down in a sparring match, arms and legs bruised from repeated attempts, but pride hurting more than anything. In reality, it had been Shiro rushing to his side and telling him to stand up and try again. In reality, he had hated Shiro for pushing him- hated him for the lectures and the special attention, hated him until he was stronger for the challenge.

In the dream, it was Allura standing over him, glittering pink and gold. She reached out, and he couldn’t hate her. He was in awe. He took her hand and as soon as he felt her, so solid for a ghost, he started weeping. Every time. Like the floodgates finally broke and he was sobbing like the child he was, and where Shiro would’ve grown softer and encouraging, Allura hardened and pulled him up with force.

The dream had been repeating in hollow silence for weeks, but now- she finally spoke, sharp and clear as she lifted him off the ground.  _“Focus,”_ she said.

 

Keith jolted awake.

The tears were real this time, wet on his cheeks, and he rolled over towards the purple-grey haze outside his bedroom window. The Olkari lights had shut down for the night, leaving only the glow of the moon and the streaks of ships passing by. He stretched his legs out, plenty of space in empty sheets. He felt the fabric under his skin and came back to reality slowly, unwillingly.

On the other side of the galaxy, his friends were celebrating Allura without him- her commitment to the universe, giving everything up- giving Lance up. They were drinking nunvil and sharing their stories while Keith removed himself like every time before- when he’d been too weak to endure his own desire to _stay_. She had been able to face Lance’s love- his barefaced grief, and walk backwards into death, and Keith couldn’t even face him for an invitation to dinner.

But, Allura was always better at commiting than Keith, so sure of her resolve.

At least...he’d thought she was.

Now though, her voice rang in his head, and he felt a new kind of regret- felt wrong to envy her sacrifice, wrong to think of her using Lance’s love as a crutch. Because she’d had her doubts, her conflicts, desires and grief. It took her standing in Shiro’s place for Keith to get it. What it meant all along.

_Patience yields focus._

Well, maybe focus yields patience too, and things take time to heal. Like a broken heart. Like the ability to trust. To love. Maybe when Allura was so focused on her war…  **> She was waiting to love again.**

It was late, and Keith wasn’t sure what the time difference was to judge when Lance was receiving his message on Altea, but when a bubble appeared to show him typing, Keith interrupted. He’d already heard what Lance had to say about this, and-

**> She would’ve loved you if she’d stuck around.**

**> She chose you for that.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a shorter chapter. for the 20 people enjoying this.

_Focus yields patience_.

Keith touched down on New Altea in time for the final bites of dessert.

The Paladins were already inebriated, all smiles and laughter and flushed cheeks. Lance teased Keith for being tardy, made jabs at his usual avoidance, and the others smiled and laughed along, but as soon as they were out of earshot, the smile slipped from Lance’s mouth. Keith knew how to hear the undercurrent of frustration in Lance's teasing, and as soon as Lance had pulled him towards the porch, he’d known they were confronting it, the silence-

“It’s almost been a year,” Lance said, voice brittle. Like distance and time hadn’t healed him this time around, just left a new open wound.

“I know.”

“You disappeared.”

 _You let me._ “...I know”

“You can’t just…” Lance put both hands on the railing, leaned back and pressed his head down between his shoulders, took a deep breath. His hair was getting long in the back. Keith wanted to touch it. “You can’t just disappear and come back talking about her like that. It doesn’t help, and I’ve been doing so well.”

“I know…” Keith should leave it there, shouldn’t make excuses, but "I just kept thinking about what you said about how you felt for her, and...I just-" wanted Lance to know he should be loved? On the anniversary of Allura’s death? When Lance was remembering how she was gone, remembering how he’d loved her, how she would’ve loved him back. Lance had said he wanted to move on, and here Keith was, tearing at old wounds and making that harder...

When Keith looked back at him, trying to think of a way to express-  _you should be loved_  without words, Lance was already glaring as if to say  _do something about it._ But,Keith bit his lip and turned out to the setting sun. Always so heavy. It cast the sky in bright pink and gold and-  _Focus._

What could he even say to Lance?  That he was sorry for bringing her up? On the annual day, designated for bringing her up. That he'd missed him? When he couldn’t stay for any significant amount of time. He couldn’t be away from the Council for more than a week without someone making a grab for power. So what did it matter how badly he wanted a break?

“It’s fine.” There was a hard edge to Lance’s voice, and it obviously _wasn’t._

But, Keith let it be. He had to.

...

Things became startlingly simple after that. At least where Lance was concerned. There was no use wanting something neither of them could give, so it became a sort of gentlemen’s agreement. Keith never had to say it and Lance never had to ask. Keith would visit the farm anytime he was free, but he wouldn’t stay. Lance would help work through Keith’s plans, but he wouldn’t follow him to space.

So, Keith brought his projects to Earth and Lance picked him up in his truck. They talked, caught up, Keith got his advice. Occasionally he stayed for dinner, but it was rare, and he was always gone before sundown. Most of their communication remained in texts. Outside of that, Axca was the only thing keeping Keith sane-

“Four sectors have approved the separation plan for colonized peoples, but looking over the requested relocation sites, I think you’ll want Coalition support to intervene on the negotiations.”

And-

“Blade intelligence has monitored four-hundred of the independence applicants and I’ve compiled reports by the criteria you suggested. I put them on the drive for you to make your recommendations to the Council.”

And-

“It’s good that they’re all agreeing to disarmament, but we have to be prepared to enforce it and the Blade will have to start large-scale recruitment if it’s taking over defense objectives…”

And-

“Maybe you should consider rejoining the Blade. I know you miss being in the field.”

And-

“Your mother and Kolvian called. It’s a personal matter, but...I should brief you for this one.”

...

The last one ended up hitting a nerve.

By now, Keith knew enough about Galra relationships to understand it. Krolia had a bit of _something_  in her eyes when she looked at Kolvian and Keith wasn’t great at these things, but he also wasn’t blind. It was a little jarring to think of his parental figures formalizing that relationship, but he figured it was about time. It had probably been going on for ages and they were just finally ready to tell him.

And, it was good they’d moved on, found comfort in each other and the purpose they shared. After the Blade, it was the Coalition, and their work together formed a bond. They were partners after all, and that was the crux of Galra attraction.

Keith could recognize how some of those same instincts influenced his own taste in men. He preferred a little aggression in his flirting, a lot of challenging, of push and pull, and he didn’t maintain any interest in his partners unless he’d served on at least a couple missions with them. Axca had been right that he’d missed the Blade- needed the structure in his life and the sense of accomplishment he found in peeling off his suit after a hard mission- especially if someone else was peeling it off for him. He’d also missed the easiness of determining sexual interest from other Galra when he was serving in the field with them- because that instinct came out full-force in battle.

Because Galra didn’t make friends with their teammates. Not like the Paladins of Voltron had. Placing a teammate’s life over any mission was an indicator of...interest.

It had made things awkward for Keith as a teenager, in his first few weeks with the Blade- every time he risked himself to save a teammate just furthering the confusion. But now, context made it simple to distinguish possible partners, and his ability to make friends at will gave him more control over how often he got laid.

He could also recognize that the instinct to fall in love with their fighting partners made a high work ethic and fighting abilities both highly attractive qualities to the Galra. He understood why he’d been called to that photoshoot and dubbed-

_ > most eligible bachelor in the empire, huh? _

**> Still keeping up with the important news then.**

_ > oh, only the highlights. _

_ > great pics btw. _

**> Oh yeah, definitely going on the dating profile.**

...

Except Keith was joking. Teasing about Lance’s relationships wouldn’t have been fair game, but Lance never talked about his love life, and Keith could joke about his own- since it didn’t exist. Love was not for him. He could satisfy lust in a night and didn’t need to date for that.

The photoshoot just got him more attention than he knew what to do with, and attention from certain kinds of guys was a dangerous thing.

Guys who had his back with a sniper rifle and could make him feel confident when he was running into a fray of drones hacked by tyrannical separatist armies. Guys with crooked smiles and too much energy, guys who flirted with everyone but particularly gravitated towards him….

His name was Myx.

The infatuation didn’t last long. Two handjobs, a couple partnered missions, a non-date, and a blowjob. Then, the _Atlas_ was called in for Coalition negotiations and Keith had a meeting with them on Myx’s home planet, Klytax-4. He made the mistake of asking to see him while he was there. Myx made lame excuses that amounted to not wanting to see him, and Keith felt the fantasy crumble- felt exposed, tricked, stupid.

He didn’t react well. At all.

_ > damn...you said all that? _

**> In so many words.**

_ > jeez. _

**> Too much?**

_ > no..._

_ > not really. like- how often are you around and he can’t give you four varga for a date? _

_ > it’s harsh, but he deserved it. _

But, “Ehhh,” Shiro said, reading Lance's message on the communicator, safely in Keith's hand, his expression twisting into something incredulous. He stepped back from the bag and pulled the velcro on his boxing gloves so he could grab his water pouch.

“What’s that look?” Keith had only been showing his conversation with Lance for the screenshots he'd taken of the messages he'd sent to Myx. It was easier, safer- less likely that he’d get emotional that way, but he didn’t like the judgement of what Lance was saying. He'd liked what Lance was saying.

Shiro set his water aside and grabbed a sweat towel. “I’m just saying. I’m not sure I agree here. You put a lot of expectations on the guy and treated it like a bad breakup.” Before Keith could protest, “Sleeping with the same person twice isn’t a relationship.”

“I know that!” Keith huffed, but Shiro just raised a brow and looked at him. It only made him bristle further. “That’s how you and your navigator got started and now you’re engaged!”

“Curtis,” Shiro corrected gently, “and yes- started. There were a lot of points in between. A lot of growth we both had to go through, concessions and admissions, y’know- vulnerability.” He smiled to himself and shook his head before peaking back at Keith, “You’ve come so far, sometimes I forget I’m dealing with the most impatient man in the universe.”

And that stung. Because Keith really was _trying_ , really focusing on the work, and letting things happen as they came, but Shiro was right. He’d snapped. Everyone was way too interested in his love life, and the curiosity crept up on him- about loving and losing. He was twenty-four and had never even _tried_  at starting a relationship, preferred to run from the possibility. But, Myx had only proven him right. He’d never felt unwanted before- never exposed himself to the possibility of a real rejection, and he wished he’d never loved at all. “I just wanted a casual date with a guy I liked. Why couldn’t I have that?”

“Are you sure you _could_ do that?” Shiro said. “Be casual?”

Keith pulled a face.

“I just mean, you’re a serious guy, especially about your feelings. It isn’t a bad thing to fall fast, but-” that earned a groan, and Shiro’s hand clamped down on Keith’s shoulder before he could storm off and avoid this, “you deserve someone who sees that about you and respects it,” he said. “Maybe someone that can keep up...”

Someone that could fall just as fast. Eyes closed, racing down in a nose dive.

Keith grabbed his own towel and started wiping down his face. He couldn’t afford to think about what he deserved, it made things too hard, heavy, and Shiro was trying to be nice about it but what he was saying boiled down to what everyone always said. Keith was a hothead. Still couldn’t control his feelings, but if that was the case-

 _Try and stay cool, will ya?_ Instead- he bit back, “Why’d you even pick me?”

Shiro tensed at his tone, shocked at the sudden change of subject, or maybe sensing how long Keith had been bottling up this question. He put some space between them, “To pilot the Black Lion?”

“To go to the Garrison.”

Shiro paused as if working his way backwards in memory, “...You...had a lot of potential.”

“I was also a lot of work.”

That got a snort.

“Shiro, I’m serious,” Keith said. “Don’t bullshit me- you were always looking for your next challenge, for records to break, and everyone wants a legacy. I needed a mentor, was that it? You just wanted the chance to mold me?” He hated the idea of being controlled like that, of Shiro choosing him just to change him, but he couldn’t shake the fear that it might’ve been just that.

“Maybe,” Shiro folded the towel, placing it into the hamper and looked at Keith, honest. “Maybe I wanted to help guide you a bit, but I promise it had nothing to do with pride or legacy or anything. It wasn’t for me- never.”

Keith believed him, and it helped. It fit more comfortably into the Shiro he knew- the selfless leader. Driven by duty. Of course he’d see the potential for talent and take it upon himself to cultivate that, no matter how frustrating a form it took. Keith had been a stubborn little punk. Shiro was probably the only one patient enough to put up with him. For the sake of the greater good. The difference that Keith could make on the universe.

In hindsight, from the position Keith was in now, he could see that Shiro was obviously right. But, “It wasn’t for me either.”

He threw his towel in.

...

“Retiring?!” Shiro could’ve told him during the negotiations on Klytax-4, while he’d been there in person to explain things.

Veronica leaned against the back of their sofa, frowning in sympathy while Keith paced. Axca just stared forward at the mission brief they’d been rehearsing, mostly ignoring him.

“Can he do that?! Is that allowed- why didn’t he say?”

“Probably because…” Veronica gestured at Keith’s stomping, brows raised.

He stopped and glared at her, tossing his communicator onto the counter. “It’s not like him to run away from a hard conversation.”

“Well, he’s asking you to be his best man,” she said. “Making this hard is kinda the opposite of what he wants from you…”

“He asked me to be his best man before I knew he was just...dipping out on the universe!” he could say that to Veronica and expect her to understand the colloquialism, but Axca turned and stared at him too. “I was okay with him getting married because it was Curtis- and they work together and they keep up with our missions, but we still need them! There’s negotiations and treaties and-”

“Keith,” Axca stopped him. “If you only want someone to listen to you complain, call Lance. But, he will likely not share your opinion of the matter.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“He’s happy for Shiro,” Veronica said, impatient. “Like the rest of the universe. Why aren’t you?”

...

Keith didn’t call Lance.

For weeks, his complaints about Myx remained on his communicator as their last conversation- and then Axca picked up the device and he lost that too.

Lance didn’t message him either.

No pictures of the dairy cows, complaints about his sore muscles or recordings of his siblings and their children. And it was only when it was late at night and his thoughts were spinning that Keith allowed himself to wonder.

He knew why he couldn't muster the strength to talk to Lance, but...why was Lance avoiding him?


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is barely-legible and rambly, but fuck it. no one's reading anyway.

Galra weddings were nothing like this. Keith had only ever been to two, both as PR stunts, and neither in the role of Best Man. Though, from his understanding of the Galran equivalent, their responsibility was defending the union against challenges by dueling any objectors to the death.

Shiro assured him there’d be nothing like that.

He’d stricken the call for objections from the script just in case.

Instead, Keith’s responsibilities had boiled down to helping with the planning and spending a lot of quality time with Shiro and his family, pretending this whole situation wasn’t unnerving.

When it came to planning, Keith knew what he was getting himself into. Over the years they’d spent working together to plan military operations, Keith learned Shiro’s style- the timetables, reports, delegation. Helping to plan a wedding was a lot like planning any other official ceremony. Easier. Keith had most of the contacts already programmed into his communicator and the venue was secluded and manageable. It had to be. Their primary concerns were privacy from the media and covering both families’ cultural traditions.

The quality-time was a different story. Over the years, Keith had improved with diplomacy, but being diplomatic with his friends didn’t feel right. When both families gathered for their yui-no dinner, they were all laughter and genuine joy, and Keith was happy for them. He said so, but it felt hollow, dishonest somehow. There were warring factions out in space, colonies edging towards independence, trade deals to be made and intergalactic rivalries to smooth out.

The _Atlas_ had a backlist of fifteen decaphoebs for direct diplomatic intervention. Shiro and Curtis were two of the most highly sought-after negotiators in the universe and here they were, setting out chairs and table confetti.

Keith had all nine of the Blade’s expeditionary units deployed to oversee the disarmament of planets petitioning to rejoin the empire after the deposition of their dictators. He could be out in space, taking stock of zyforge bombs and quitessential warheads. He was counting napkins and tabletoppers, and-

“Wait, where’d the flowers come from?”

Across the table, Lance stopped and looked at him, fingers poised around the stalk of a sunflower he’d been poking into the bouquet already intricately woven around the centerpiece. “You know I do arrangements for weddings, right?”

Keith didn’t answer. He clicked his pen and scribbled a note of it at the bottom of his page for Shiro’s thank-you cards. Quartermaster Janka’s former assistant had been running Keith’s books for the Galran Council, and he hadn’t minded throwing together a timetable and inventory sheet for the event. They’d have to make sure everything was cleared from the reception hall before they left, so it made Keith’s life easy.

He could feel eyes on him across the table. He ignored it.

...

The venue had a small cottage for the grooms to get ready. Comfortable sofas and coffee, and Keith accompanied Shiro like he figured he should. “Just do up the top one,” he said grabbing Shiro’s tie clip and walking over to help fix the knot while the groom’s fingers shook at the buttons.

Shiro’s hands fell to his sides to give space. Just nerves.

Keith gave a smile and looked down at the tie, pushing the knot up. “It’s the right suit for you,” he said. “The whole party looks great in the white.” Fashion was something Keith had never thought much about until he’d become a public figure, and he’d brushed up on Earth’s current styles before he’d gone out with Shiro’s family on their first round of tux shopping. Still, “I’m glad you ignored my advice.”

That got a laugh, but it was watery and Keith looked up. Shiro’s eyes were wet. “I’m really glad you came out,” he said.

“What? Y-yeah of course I did.”

“Sorry,” Shiro wiped his eyes, less like he found the display embarrassing and more like he regretted the responding look on Keith’s face. “I know, of course you did, but I’m just so _proud_ of you sometimes and I don’t know what I would’ve done if you couldn’t make it.”

“My schedule’s not _that_ inflexible...and this was important, so-”

“I know. I just appreciate it. I’m saying I know this can’t be easy for you.”

Keith stepped back and frowned. Shiro said it like he knew- how Keith felt about him retiring, and Keith didn’t want to think about that. He’d worked so hard to hide it, and it sucked to think he was still terrible at hiding his emotions. But, he wasn’t being left. It wasn’t a betrayal. And, “It’s not about me. Shiro, this is _your_ wedding day. You deserve this more than anyone...”

Before Keith could step further away, Shiro pulled him into a crushing hug. “It means everything to me, hearing you say that.” He pulled back and met Keith’s eyes, “I’ve been thinking about it a lot,” he said and his voice started wavering, drifting. “How we got here, y’know...Adam…”

Keith put a hand up to stop him, because this was supposed to be a celebration. This wasn’t- not today, “Shiro, you don’t have to-”

“Everything is just. How I imagined it’d be for _us._  I wish I could’ve given him this and I don’t feel bad for moving on, I just...wish he could be here.”

Keith didn’t object again. It seemed like it was something Shiro needed to say, so he’d be here to listen. He squeezed the older man’s arm.

But, the little press only seemed to fracture something, and “When I left for Kerberos, I didn’t expect to come back, Keith…” Shiro’s voice cracked. “It wasn’t like I was going out there to die, but I just...it was a long flight, and with how fast I was declining, I...expected it. Before we got back.”

Keith swallowed. His hand fell back to his side. Some part of him had known- with the way he’d mourned and the anger he’d felt. When he was a kid, Shiro had been a nuisance, always pushing him to do better, forcing him to meet his crazy expectations. But, as he’d grown older, Keith had started to _believe_ in what Shiro saw, believe in him- that he would stay, that he could trust him. When Shiro disappeared, that trust had shattered just a little, and Keith wasn’t sure how much of it had come back over the years, no matter how many battles they’d faced down together, it stayed just a little bit broken, and Keith’s walls had grown just a little bit stronger.

But, this wasn’t about him, and- “Adam said he was leaving me if I went,” Shiro said. “I just...let him get away. It felt like the right thing to do, so I left. If I’d stayed, I dunno…” He looked up and met Keith’s eyes. “That’s still one of my biggest regrets- I should’ve told you that I was sick. I left thinking I was protecting you both, but really...I was just running away.”

Keith didn’t know what to say.

But, he didn’t have to. Shiro had obviously thought about this enough for both of them. “So, when the Galra took me and replaced my arm, I fought harder than I ever thought I could. I survived to come back to you both,” he said, “and I think that’s what they mean. When they say love makes you stronger. Because I wasn’t fighting for myself. If I was, then dying would’ve been the easy route. But, _dying_ would’ve been running away and I had to come back to you.”

Keith had no idea why _he_ was crying now. Maybe just seeing Shiro like this was getting to him, but- he felt unsteady.

“You’ve saved me so many times, Keith,” he said. “All that time I was fighting, thinking you needed me, but I needed you. So, I’m just…” he wiped his eyes. “I’m really glad you’re here. I only have this because you’re here.”

...

Veronica was Curtis’s best man and Keith was assigned to accompany her down the aisle. She made a point to stroke his arm and lean over to whisper in his ear as they walked- mostly jokes and nonsense, but Keith could feel both Axca and Lance glaring at them until they took their places up front. Veronica was having the time of her life.

Everyone was seated. Both grooms walked down the aisle.

The ceremony was supposed to be the easy part. But, the whole thing had this vastness to it- the simple music and sunny morning air, the families and loved ones all watching intently, so supportive and so overjoyed.  For Keith, it would mostly be standing and trying not to look stiff (also trying not to tear up).

The media had been barred from filming or photographing, but Curtis’s little sister had the family’s camera, and Keith glanced over at her every once in awhile to make sure she was filming. Some short speeches were made, rings were exchanged, and Shiro started his vows-

“It’s terrifying, seeing your life start to take shape. You think, is this all there is? And, you start doing stupid things like running off to fly giant robotic Lions and save the universe.”

That earned a few chuckles, and Keith allowed himself a smirk. He glanced out at the crowd, noted several handkerchiefs already coming out to dab eyes after Curtis’s remarks, but Keith hadn’t been very affected by those. He already knew how much Shiro’s navigator had always admired him. Curtis had been a systems professor while they’d been at the Garrison, and he hadn’t really come into the picture until they were all on the _Atlas_. Keith was more worried about Shiro’s words- after what he’d said in the dressing room. They were only just getting started with the mushy stuff-

“And, you always worry there’s something more. That you’re missing out or forgetting about what’s important- but I’m not worried about that with you.” Shiro took Curtis’s hands and Keith could see his thumbs, rubbing tenderly over the back, fiddling with the ring he’d slid onto his finger. “I spent a long time, running away from love. But, you’ve been by my side for five years now, reining me in from those stupid ideas and making sure I don’t lose my head. I’m not worried I’ll forget anything as long as I remember to come home to you. Every day. Because that’s all I have to do. In all the universe, there’s nothing more. That’s what I vow. No more running away. I’m going to live for you.”

And, Keith had failed.

There were tears.

...

Keith made himself busy during the reception. Treated it like a mission- to keep the serving staff from slacking off, ensuring the food was kept hot on the serve line, making sure none of the dishes were mismatched and accounted for all the varying alien diets in attendance. He even helped avert a clothing mishap when Romelle lost a button on her dress.

He didn’t want to stress about the speech because Hunk had told him that it was the pivotal role of the Best Man, and he had likewise already stressed about it for months. He didn’t feel like doing it again. But, as the guests sat and the food came out and toasts began, he found himself pulling out his notecards, frantic.

Hunk had warned him to personalize it. This was why. Besides a couple individual stories, everyone was repeating the same thing, and Keith wasn’t much of a storyteller already, so they were saying everything he’d planned to.

The speech didn’t really work anymore anyway. After what Shiro said in the dressing room. After the vows...

“Y’know what- no,” Keith stood up. “It’s been bothering me,” he said. It was loud enough for the last couple chuckles from Veronica’s speech to fall quiet, and there might’ve been a few more people who wanted to repeat the same six basic points about love and commitment, but Keith figured this was as good a time as any, so he picked up his glass and said, “Shiro, you were wrong. You said you’ve been running away from love and that’s just…” he shook his head, “that’s not true.”

The head table was looking at him now, all the families too. Shiro’s mother and father who had been so excited to finally meet him and Curtis’s extended family that Keith was just glad to know existed.

He figured this wasn’t how Best Man speeches were supposed to go, disagreeing with the vows, but “Everything Shiro’s ever done has been with love. I mean.” What _did_ he mean exactly? He shifted on his feet. There wasn’t a script for this. “I mean, sure- you left, but running away would imply that you were scared of something, and I don’t think you were scared of loving Adam- or of commitment or well, any of this,” he gestured vaguely to the room- the concept of marriage that was clinging all over everything from the fancy suits to the confetti. “You weren’t even scared of hurting anyone because you knew it would happen and you left anyway.”

Shiro’s curious look was shifting to a crease of concern between his brows and Keith knew he was skirting around a topic he shouldn’t broach right now.

But it was going to happen- one way or another, so “Yeah. Shiro was engaged before he left on the Kerberos mission- what, ten years ago now? But, he was ill- probably terminal, so he left expecting that he wouldn’t come back and knowing that Adam wasn’t going to marry him if he did, so when he says he was “running away from love”, he means he was choosing to end a relationship before it became something painful for both of them because we both know Adam would’ve stayed with you- to the end, he would’ve watched you go through all of it and you didn’t want that. You didn’t want him to mourn you and you definitely didn’t wanna have to see him doing it.”

It was fast. Words tripping and Keith speaking a little too loud. It wasn’t usual for him- talking this much, and everyone was staring. He knew it was a lot, but...when had he ever been anything but that- a lot for Shiro to handle.

He took a pause to breathe, to look at Shiro apologetically, and gather his thoughts again. “So, yeah...the Shiro I know never runs away. From anything- from alien wars, from unwinnable fights, from difficult conversations, certainly not from love. He knows when he’s found something worth coming home to- worth protecting,” he glanced up to meet Curtis’s eyes, always so patient. He smiled and looked out to the crowd of wedding guests- friends and family, found his mother’s eyes, “And yeah, no one knows better than me, sometimes that means leaving…”

She smiled, small and somber.

This was nothing like the speech she’d helped him write. He’d asked what she knew about relationships and commitment and she’d told him to consider his own heart, but they’d both been too clinical. Too stiff to really delve into what that meant for him.

But, maybe some things were easier to say to a crowd that wouldn’t understand.

“Curtis,” he said. “You knew what you were getting yourself into here. You knew Shiro- at the Garrison, there wasn’t a record he didn’t beat. An adventure he didn’t chase down, and then- when the universe came calling, well. You know what it’s like. War has a way of rubbing us raw, and you know that. To give and take lives in battle requires a certain degree of emotional numbness, and you know what kind of man can come through all that and feel _more_ for it.” But, that was Shiro at his core, wasn’t it? A boundless depth of compassion. Strong feelings, tightly controlled. “You’re the kinda guy built to match that- you fell in _love_ in a war...”

Keith raised his glass and glanced out over the crowd. His eyes caught- as he sort of expected they would, on a stripe of blue, the pressed collar of Lance’s suit, and he found the man staring back, brows knit and considering.

Maybe understanding...

“I’m...I can’t really describe how happy I am for you both,” Keith said, partially to keep himself on task and partially because he meant that now- over every time he hadn’t before. He knew the grooms could tell. “You’ve found something good, and you deserve it- I mean, you’ve already given the universe everything it deserves- you’ve given it the future,” Keith smiled, and as much as he meant everything he was saying, that one felt bittersweet. “So, go. I think there’s a new adventure for you. A life. Together.”

...

There was hugging and crying, and Keith hoped it had more to do with the tone of his voice than the words he’d used, because he wasn’t ready for anyone to be picking those apart just yet. But, he’d been speaking more tenderly than he ever had before, and he was sure Shiro’s tears were just appreciation.

Lance was avoiding his eyes.

“Did he say something to you?”

Keith turned and nearly spilled his drink on Axca’s suit. She raised a brow at him and glanced towards Lance as if Keith needed elaboration as to who she’d been talking about. In most matters- political and military, she was an excellent confidant- though Keith figured his feelings about Lance were not a subject that either of them would be very good with, “No.”

“But, you’ve said nothing to him- since Myx.”

“...no.”

She hummed and sipped at a glass of some liquid with a trail of fog drifting off it. “Well, Azor would want me to say- you’re being cruel.”

But, Azor had been saying that for months- since Keith had rejoined the Blade. Because she was also insisting that Lance was his ‘mate’ despite Keith’s protests, and she’d taken Keith’s recent silence with Lance as the chance to spout every piece of advice she had about lovers’ quarrels from her own relationship.

Keith gave a face to show exactly what he thought of what Azor would want her to say.

Axca wasn’t having it. “Go talk to him,” she said. “Ask him to dance.”

Keith sipped his own drink. “I don’t dance.”

“But, you know how.”

Keith frowned. Because sure, he knew how, but knowing how was far from being any good. He knew enough to get by at formal events. That was all.

But, “It would make him happy,” Axca said, as if she knew. And she did- she’d been taking all of her leave time with Veronica, so she’d probably spent more time on the McClain farm than Keith had by now. She looked past Keith’s shoulder to where Lance was sitting with his brother’s wife, helping her son with some crayons and a coloring book. “I think he’d be dancing right now if he had a partner…”

Keith pinched his lips tight. He didn’t have an excuse. After everything he’d said for Shiro and everything he’d been thinking for months, leading up to today, he had no way to justify running away from a difficult conversation with Lance. Still- he didn’t appreciate being pushed.

But, “You’re not a coward, Keith…”

And, Axca was right. She walked away towards the cottage’s balcony where Veronica was talking to Krolia.

Keith watched her go, standing awkwardly alone with an empty glass.

When he'd been a paladin of Voltron, there had been chances for this. So many chances. Countless planets that had celebrated the return of the Universe's "Greatest Defender" with music and dancing. The other paladins had always joined in, always made it look easy. Keith had never been ready. For the touching, moving, for the carelessness. He hadn’t been ready for war either, but war didn’t wait. So, he’d focused.

He liked to think he’d relaxed since then. He liked to think he’d made it through the war alright- following Shiro’s steps to come out of it with some feeling left. It had been enough to try things with Myx, no matter how wrong that had been. He’d made it through rejection, angry and vindictive but stronger than he’d thought. He’d survived it at least, and he knew this was different- this feeling he'd been holding onto for Lance was much closer to the heart and much more dangerous, but with all that distance and time, he’d been everything he didn’t want to be. He was cruel, he was numb…

He was moving.

Keith wove through the crowd on the dance floor, dodging through his swaying friends and comrades, familiar faces all enjoying themselves, light and easy and he could barely breathe- barely think.

Lance had taken off his white suit jacket while he colored with his nephew- either to avoid getting anything on it or to make himself a little more comfortable. His hair was slicked back, a little longer, eyes a little older. He sat up at the sight of Keith, and his mouth fell open in surprise, his shoulders pushed back into something tense and battle-ready, reading the purpose in Keith's stride. He stared at the hand that Keith offered.

And, only when Lance had reached out and taken it did Keith offer- "Follow me?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean, spite aside, if you're reading this and enjoying it- for the love of god say something or drop a like. I'm stuck writing this now, but a little validation would go a long way.


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